It seems to be common these days, to see people repeating relationship patterns, pinpointing our own though, seems near on impossible. We know that at the end of the day we wind up lonely, alone and heartbroken again, but what is the cause?

Perhaps we really do choose the same men/women again and again, with similar traits like our fathers/mothers, or perhaps, as I have done on multiple occasions, we give away our integrity somewhere along the road to bliss, and the relationship fails from there.

It wasn’t until recently that I stumbled upon this realisation.

I recall one instance when I had been asleep for some hours, when my boyfriend at the time, sloshed home with two revoltingly drunk 18-21 year olds that I didn’t know. They rowdily blew air horns, played loud music and my partner jovially joined in as if this was regular, acceptable behaviour for a grown man. More 18ish year old inebriated boys paraded through the front door for the next hour, coming into our bedroom and pestering me, acting like this was fine and normal. It certainly was not, in my opinion. I shut them out and attempted to sleep. While I was severely uncomfortable, I wasn’t frightened. Thankfully I’d grown up in a large family and knew how to hold my own if need be.

Not too long after, I was astounded to realise they were smoking marijuana in our kitchen! Marijuana is not a legal substance in Australia and certainly not something I want in my life. The fumes had managed to waft through the ducted heating vents and FILL the bedroom. I could hardly breath! Needing to escape the bedroom I opened the door onto teenagers with too much testosterone… and the munchies. My instincts wanted to call the cops. I didn’t. Like the good girlfriend I assumed I should be, I made them all pikelets, looked after them and once my boyfriend had passed out on the couch, I saw them off at 3am. After all, he owned our home so what authority did I have?

The following day I hid my ultimate disgust. I took care of the most hung over man I have ever seen. I helped him through migraines, fed, watered and massaged. Where had my integrity gone? And when exactly did I loose it? This life was not mine but I had, in another way, been here before.

Once you have decided to hang onto your integrity, you have a much easier path to knowing yourself and what you believe in. – Goldie Hawn

Tracing back my past relationships there has each time, been a moment when I have unconsciously shifted to trying to please my partner, and it has been in these moments that the relationships have begun to dissolve. In my past marriage I had recognised my husbands discontent, and correspondingly shifted to pleasing mode. I would do, accept and participate in whatever I thought he would want me to. Whatever would make him love me. In the previous example, I had hurt my boyfriend a year earlier and had since felt I had to earn his love back again. I gave away my integrity and rejected my own morals to please his every desire. 

There is never a happy ending for people who loose their integrity. – Goldie Hawn

As a child, when my parents where angry or unhappy, I can remember writing them sweet letters and picking fresh flowers from the garden, they loved me for it. I created a belief in those moments, that I had to earn love. I don’t and nor do you.

To retain, or perhaps regain our integrity, we need to get clear on our moral principals and stand to them. They are our guide, helping us get clear on how we are willing accept life. Don’t accept anything less and resist any peer pressure that may violate your personal beliefs.

To help me discover my own edges, I chose to reminisce on the various moments in past relationships, where I have given away my power and lost my self respect. Many of these moments I now feel physically sick simply remembering conversations. You may end up with a list of what you don’t want in your life, what you cannot accept as part of you, and that’s fine. People have often called me a prude and that is a badge I will now forever wear with pride. It is respect for myself and my morals. We can’t give away our integrity or let someone else control our moral compass, or we begin to loose ourselves completely.

Moral principals (Things I don’t like or can’t accept in my life)

• Excess alcohol – The occasional happy night is fine, every weekend for me, is not.
• Drugs – I understand Marijuana is relaxing to some, but if you’re going to do it don’t come anywhere near me.
• Pornography – While I don’t mind if my partner enjoys it on rare occasion, it’s not something I want to be subject to. I find it demeaning. Occasionally it may be erotic but thats rare.
• The idea of threesomes – Literally revolts me and even discussing them makes my stomach churn. Either you love and accept me as enough or you bugger off.
• Submission – Love me properly, don’t take me for granted.
• Cheating – Possibly more repugnant than the cheater are those they hook up with. While in the past I have been in this scenario, I never will again.
• Lack of respect – I believe when I’ve given away my integrity in the past (been part of any of these unacceptables) , I’ve lost respect for myself, which in turn causes a lack of respect from my partner.

I challenge you today to regain your integrity and define the direction your moral compass points. Break the pattern of relationship chaos and restore your personal power.